Xiaolong Halls Boredom Pictures …
In Association With The Shaolin Temple …
Present
“The Xiaolong Spy Trap”
PG-13 for scenes of violence, imaginary bloodshed, and Chris’ ass.
Starring Chris the Aussie (and the Assie) Hunk, Jin the South Korean Demon, Pakinam the Egyptian “Fab Toilet Queen of Bad-ass-Shire, Markaz Shaolin”, Tolik the Ukrainian Spy. And the hot new star of Shaolin … Marry the German Green-Tea-With-Milk Lady.
Music by Whoever Composed The Inception Soundtrack for Christoper Nolan.
Screenplay by Pakinam “Fab … blah, blah, blah,” Chris the Assie Hunk and Marry.
Choreography by Chris the Assie Hunk.
Directed by You-Know-Who (me of course! Voldermort who?)
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Director’s Commentary (SPOILER ALERT)
You want to know the backstory? Well, good luck with that!
All I can tell you is that there’s so much mind fu** in this picture. But let me get this out of the way first: yes, the Aussie’s ass was in the forefront on purpose. And yes, we’re all in Shaolin Kung Fu training, and some of us, like Chris and Jin have been doing martial arts with weapons and all for years. We’ve seen how we’re waving our swords in this picture, and no, cheek will not be tolerated.
And yes, two years later when we come back for Tolik, we’re all still wearing the same clothes, and nothing has changed. We didn’t even shower for two years because we were so preoccupied with planning our second attack.
Now, about the movie’s mind traps. First comes the revelation that Tolik is a spy. Woah! As you see, his friends corner and kill him albeit regretfully. Second, the twist ending where Jin betrays the group, attacks Pakinam, who attacks him back, and they finish each other off. Nothing before gave this away. Third, with the extra twist where we discover that Chris and Marry couldn’t care less and just want to go off to get their caffeine fix seconds after the bloodbath is over.
It’s a twist inside a twist inside another twist really. If that’s not cinema genius, then I don’t know what is. I’m expecting an Oscar nod any time this week.
I’m not sure you’ve noticed, but at some point when Tolik fails to collapse, Marry directs him into the action. Also, if you’re wondering why it took me and Jin a while before we both fell to our death, it was just because we were arguing who should fall down first … I convinced him that he should (True story!).
More behind-the-scenes stories coming up in a mini-documentary called The Making of The Xiaolong Spy Trap: Motion Picture Magic. Stay tuned!
